chus26pedrosa's diary

 Apakah pada akhirnya, kita akan bersepakat dengan Plato tentang orang-orang bodoh yang saling berebut menjadi nahkoda? Aku ingat sekali bagaimana orang-orang salah paham mengenai demokrasi yang tidak mendapatkan restu dari filsuf yang paling sering disebut dalam mata kuliah filsafat, Plato. Ide awal demokrasi memang memuat harapan-harapan banyak orang. Mereka yang sudah muak dengan era diktatorian, aristorian dan juga kerajaan, ketika kekuasaan memusat pada orang-orang tertentu. Banyak orang mengira bahwa demokrasi akan mendatangkan harapan agar orang di luar garis keturunan raja, di luar mereka yang terpelajar, dan di luar garis eksklusifitas mampu menembus ruang kendali dan duduk di kursi nahkoda. Mereka yang merasa tidak terwakili dan tidak dibela oleh siapapun pada akhirnya bisa menitipkan satu-dua harapan pada pentolan kelompoknya untuk membuat perubahan. Nyatanya, sistem yang diagung-agungkan itu tumbuh menghancurkan mereka yang menaruh harapan pada sistem itu. Perlahan tapi pas

 You may see it on the social media profiles about people identified themselves as one of those had it applied frugal living. So, what is frugal living? I haven't read any book specificly about frugal living. There are many, but i just don't want to buy, because i don't need one. But as far as i know, concept first known when America faced The Great Depression during The World War II. The aconomic crisis required people to appreciate the value of the money and reduce waste. As for now when the idea of the frugal living emerge the surface and become a trend in our society, especially the youth generation, while we aren't facing the same thing. The most possible reason i can think isn't just about 'economy'. We are now facing climate crisis for the cost of our life behavior. So, the old concept of frugal living can't be adopted the way it was. Most people may missunderstood about frugal living is reduce expense as much as they can. Buy cheap clothes, eat c

  Itu adalah tujuh jam yang singkat, tetapi mata dan tubuh kami punya batas untuk merespon kemauan otak dan melanjutkan percakapan. Lalu, masing-masing kami harus melanjutkan perjalanan masing-masing. Pergi ke tempat tujuan masing-masing.   Kupikir aku tak akan paham bagaimana bisa Celine memutuskan turun dari kereta dan menghabiskan sepanjang malam mengobrol dengan Jesse pada seri pertama Before Sunrise. Dua bulan lalu aku naik dari Surabaya menuju Jakarta. Seperti biasa kubuka buku, bukan untuk membunuh waktu-waktu bosan, tetapi untuk berjaga-jaga agar tak ada yang mengajakku bicara. Aku punya teori bahwa dua benda paling ampuh yang bisa melindungi manusia dari percakapan yang tak diinginkan adalah buku dan headset. Teori ini sudah kuuji dalam berbagai perjalanan darat, laut, dan udara. Kombinasi keduanya sangat dianjurkan bagi mereka yang menghindari percakapan basa-basi dan kecanggungan menghadapi orang asing. Kala itu kubawa satu buku Intan Paramaditha favoritku, Sihir Perem

"When was the last time you fall asleep while waiting for a text?" I often wondered when was it? Perhaps, it was the last time i dated someone, few years ago. But, i didn't remember when was exactly the time and whose text i was waiting for. I remember keeping myself awake while i was very sleepy and i typed in the chatbox back, mixing the conversation we had and dream i was having at that time and i remember i was addicting to the story told by my ex that made me stay up until morning. That was the longest call i ever had. That was fun. and i was wrong... weeks ago, i matched with someone from bumble. I swept him right just because a flash of curiousity of him. He wrote a line in his bio that lately i knew that was lyric of a song. There were no many information about him which often be my consideration while swipping. But i ignored it all. I was interested in " either it's a government drone or an alien spaceship" he wrote something like that and that was

Sahabatku kala SD tiba-tiba mengajakku keluar Senin kemarin, tapi aku merasa sangat lelah dengan aktivitas seminggu lalu, kemudian kutawarkan hari Rabu sebagai pengganti. Kemarin, kami pergi ke PRJ akhirnya. Niat awalnya ingin makan saja, tetapi ternyata di sana begitu ramai. Ada ribuan orang tumpah-ruah di Grand City Mall. Kami membeli snack paket, lalu mengantre makanan. Aku hampir tidak bisa menceritakan apa saja yang ada di sana, karena terlalu banyak orang di sana, terlalu banyak suara, dan entahlah, aku tidak begitu menyukai itu semua. Kami berkeliling mencari tempat yang lebih sepi, membeli susu oat, lalu pulang. Ketika pulang, aku mengajak sahabatku melewati jalan yang belum pernah kami lewati. Aku tidak tahu ke mana jalan itu mengarah dan terhubung. Sahabatku menawarkan untuk melihat Gmaps, tapi aku menolak. Sepertinya lama sekali aku tidak melewati jalan baru, jadi kupikir biarlah kami nyasar. Aku ingat mantanku pernah bertanya suatu hari ketika aku tersesat di jalan, "B

 Ada hari-hari seperti ini: tiba-tiba merasa sangat kesepian dan butuh teman bicara. Perasaan terasing dan teralienasi, karena tak ada satupun yang bisa diajak bicara selain perihal pekerjaan di kantor. Hal seperti ini terjadi berulang kali, meski ada kalanya mereda. When i drove my bike back home, i feel my eyes burned and i couldn't stop crying. I know exactly i need help, but i don't know where to go and i have no one. Not a single friend. Staying alive is the hardest thing. Everyday i keep telling myself, there's some big responsibilities i'm holding on my hand and if i die, it's not only about me quitting my life, but would probably harm others. So, i continue to breath. But this darkness and loneliness consume me everyday, and i know that one day, sooner or later, i'll become ashes. Menyedihkan rasanya memelihara 'rasa tidak enak merepotkan orang lain' sebagai alasan buat tetep bernafas hari ini. Setiap hari, setiap kali, ada rasa ingin pergi ke ka

 I'm looking for peace. Abandoning people who abandoned me. Stayin away to the place where i don't belong to. I'm not mad to anyone, i'm seeking my own comfort. Eliminating those who never want to be part in my life. I'm just too exhausted, and i need to reset everything. I'll just live quietly. Die quietly.

"Hang in there. A lil bit more." I carry many things on my shoulders and somehow it feel so hard that any simple request would drive me crazy. In this kind of situation, people lean on their family, rely on them in common. But i have no one. Why do i have no one, even just to talk about my craps? I feel even be more mad when they called me for a very simple favor. Like things they can easily figure out by themselves. Why should be me? I already have no one i can share this craps and all they do is asking me this and that. In this kind of situation, i know that i want someone, other than a family that should be function, to company me, but the desire to death is stronger. Like yesterday after getting back from running, i locked myself in the room and didn't wanna go out wven just to buy dinner. And in the morning, even when i got plenty time to sleep, i still felt so exhausted and didn't wanna get up from my bed. I gathered my self to go out, worked from the cafe, and

Maybe i'm just exhausted, i need a break from the world.   I carried everything alone, and i hope people do the same, like they won't bother me for simple things that actually they can solve by their own. I have all the craps and deal with it, everyday, everytime, alone. I can help other's craps, but not that every single shits they can do it by theirselves. Dealing with my own craps everydays have already tired me up. And i do respect others business, by not asking them things i can do it by myself. I have no one i can lean on. Not even to share all my craps. I'm sorry if i'm being that selfish, but i am all that i have. Why don't people just try to stand on their own also. Why bother me?

Yesterday, when i wrote on my IG story about 'Drowning in Information', my senior replied my story to ask me, "since when writing can be afforded by publics? our anchestors passed information by telling stories and tales. So did about knowledge." His point is questioning about writing culture that actually he thinks doesn't suits our culture. Well, i said that i had no information if back then we didn't move to writing culture. I told him that old tradition when people passed information directly, by telling stories and tales, had positive and negative effects. The negative side was that information and knowledge were depends on human, means when the body dies, the ideas in their head followed. It stopped. So, the limitation is about time and place. Only people around the master could listen to their stories and tales. Yes, the positive side was we didn't need to question about information validity. No need to check other source of information (may be stil

Few days ago, i went home after several months not coming home. Well, i felt lonely when i was home. It felt so strange to be home, because i usually spend my days alone, here. But i felt lonelier when i was with other people. I dunno, may be it's because i didnt feel welcomed and we became perfectly like strangers. There's always time when i really want everything went back to five or six years ago, when you're still with us. Just be there. I don't want you to cook meal for us or to clean the house or do anything, just live with us and hug me when i had a bad dream. But, mom, i do realize it can't be happened. I know that we were not that close to talk about what we feel about things or express our feeling as well. But with you around me, i felt safe. So many things i haven't done to you, i haven't give you. Every now and then when i see girls hanging out with their mom in the shopping mall, i wish you were here, with me. I wanted to buy you delicious food,

 Pagi tadi, saya memulis tentang fenomena fear of missing out yang terjadi di kalangan anak muda beberapa tahun terakhir. Fenomena ini nggak lepas dari perkembangan teknologi yang memudahkan manusia berinteraksi, berkomunikasi, dan memperoleh informasi dengan mudahnya. Akses informasi yang hampir tanpa batas ini membuat orang dibanjiri dengan informasi, yang dapat dikatakan tak terbendung. Tapi yang kemudian menjadi pertanyaan adalah, apakah informasi itu dapat diterima dan diolah? Kadang-kadang tidak. Dampak dari banjir informasi ini bikin orang: pertama, menjadi bingung; kedua, menjadi gusar. Bingung untuk mencerna mana yang benar dan mana yang salah; mana yang baik dan mana yang buruk; mana yang bisa dan harus diikuti dan mana yang harus dibiarkan saja. Kalau kata Aldi Taher, semua orang di dunia ini bingung, nanti nggak bingung pas udah di surga. Ya bener nggak bener sih. Wkwkwk sebetulnya kebingungan itu bisa diminimalisir dengan pola pikir, sistem saringan, untuk melakukan sinkro

Last time, i had long convo with a friend. He offered a topic about technology would replace some professions. it's already starting tho. Long time ago, people work in a big factory, but we knew a revolution happened in France, replaced most of workers with machines. But i dont think people should be afraid too much on that changes, because when some profession are replaced with AI, there would come another new professions. For example, long time ago, we had no such called influencer, we were looking information about products from ads which also created by the company of the product. Now that there are too many products in the market, people get confuse which product suits their needs and wants, so there's an influencers to give them information about the products. Long time ago, we came to buy meals. Now, because we got lot of things to do, but our time are limited, there's a profession to serve a delivery service. Now that everything are based online, there are too many

Imagining him hug me in the middle of loneliness night, it comforts me everytime, like, finding part of me that beg, i want him back to me, but no. The thing that i use to comfort myself is my imagination about him. It is the ideas of him that i create in my own mind. I want those nights we spend to listen to his mind, telling me this and that, and even if i already knew about it, i still love to listen the way he told me with that excitement. And i hate myself for being over analizing things. Somehow, i enjoyed while amigdala shuts, when i dont have to think about what causing 'it', how it could destroy me, what the future might be. I want just enjoy the moment and be happy. Possed an over analizing power is curse. That way brain consume too much from happiness. To prevent greater lost? fuck off, its not preventing, but sabotaging myself from happiness and it is worse than consuming drugs.

Kita berusaha berdamai dengan sepi, setiap hari. Sembari pura-pura merayakan kebebasan. Dulu, saya yakin sekali bahwa saya tidak akan menikah dan untuk itu tidak berada di dalam suatu hubungan pun tidak menjadi masalah bagi saya. Saya yakin bahwa teman-teman yang bisa diajak ngobrol dan nongkrong saja cukup untuk menemani saya sampai tua, jika itu mungkin. Tetapi toh kala itu saya hanya berencana hidup sampai usia 27 tahun. Na'asnya hidup saya lebih dari itu. Sekarang di usia yang menginjak 30 tahun, saya sudah kehilangan beberapa teman yang dulunya saya kira akan terus menemani saya ngobrol dan nongkrong. Beberapa dari mereka menikah dan sibuk mengurus anak atau bekerja lebih giat karena ada orang lain yang ditanggungnya. Beberapa lainnya bekerja di tempat yang lebih jauh, tidak terkecuali saya yang pada akhirnya berpindah kota. Mengobati sepi itu, saya mencoba menjalin hubungan romansa, tetapi entah itu trauma lama yang belum terobati atau memang hanya keputusan bodoh, saya kerap

Biasanya saya menuliskan kesedihan-kesedihan yang saya alami atau saya tangkap dari sekitar, kegundahan, kegelisahan...tapi kali ini saya ingin menuliskan hal baik. Saya masuk kuliah S1 pada tahun 2011. Saya pergi merantau ke Surabaya di salah satu kampus paling terkenal di Jawa Timur. Ibu-Bapak saya bangga karena anaknya masuk ke Unair, meski kalau ditanya jurusannya ternyata tidak keren-keren amat. Ilmu Politik. Wkkwk Saya ingat waktu itu, saya adalah mahasiswa dengan uang saku pas-pasan sehingga ngirit sekali untuk beli pulsa atau kuota. Suatu hari, saya diberitahu bahwa perpustakaan kami buka sampai malam. Ruang yang dibuka hanya layanan publik, tapi itu sangat membantu kami. Mereka buka layanan sampai jam 3 pagi, kami bisa membawa makanan dan minuman di sana, dan desain ruangannya sederhana, konsep lesehan di mana mahasiswa bebas untuk berbincang di sana. Saban hari setelahnya saya sering datang ke perpustakaan kampus sampai malam: baik untuk belajar atau untuk menyegarkan pikiran

 Saut suara toa dari serambi depan rumah dan sajadah yang kau bentangkan saat pagi masih malu datang dan malam beranjak tenggelam. Lalu, kau ketuk pintu kamarku tiga kali, memanggil namaku pelan Kudengar kembali suara dari toa di seberang rumah, seksama kudengar, apakah kau masih berdiri di sana memanggilku pelan dan memintaku mengirimkan doa dan derai air mata Kutanya Tuhan, bagaimana caranya melipat rapat jarak dengan doa? seperti partikel udara di pagi buta sebelum muai kembali menjelang siang. Oktober, 2022

 Barang kali, ada surga di ujung dunia, yang hangat seperti pelukanmu saat aku tak bisa tidur, lepas kubayangkan dunia Barang kali, ada surga di ujung dunia yang sejuk seperti doamu kala kucium tangan dan kau usap kepalaku sekali, sebelum beranjak Barang kali, ada surga di ujung dunia yang tenang seperti raut mukamu saat pergi di Kamis pagi setelah menyantap sekotak pepaya Barang kali, rasanya tak asin seperti rindu yang picu derai air mata, yang resap tanpa sengaja Di kepala ada ribuan 'barang kali' yang tak dipahami logika kecil manusia di hadapan semesta, dan kau salah satunya. Kita mengeja kehidupan seperti mengeja Qur'an saat malam lepas magrib atau pagi setelah subuh Bisakah sekali lagi, kau antar aku memahaminya? seperti saat kau bawa aku lahir ke dunia November, 2022

Pernah tidak kita merasa 'sungkan' atau justru 'lebay' ketika menerima pujian? Sejujurnya, itu yang kurasakan, meski kadang di dalam hati ada rasa senang juga, tapi sering tidak tahu bagaimana harus bersikap ketika dipuji. Saya sepertinya hampir tidak pernah menerima pujian dari orang tua ketika kecil, meski saya tahu bahwa di belakang saya, bapak atau almarhum ibu memuji anak-anaknya. Jadi, agak aneh bagi saya ketika kemudian saya menerima pujian, doa, atau apa saja. Di keluarga kami, emosi hampir jarang diekspresikan secara luwes, kecuali amarah yang memuncak, baik itu dengan menangis atau marah-marah. Itu pun hanya orang tua yang punya privilese mengekspresikan rasa marah. Anak-anak hanya mengekspresikan rasa marah jika sedang berantem antar saudara. Jadi, saya juga tidak tahu sesungguhnya bagaimana mengekspresikan rasa senang di dalam rumah, atau membagikan kekecewaan melalui komunikasi yang baik. Ketika ulang tahun, setelah memberikan nasi kuning kepada teman-teman

 I thought it's only me that have been struggling though the hard times, but actually peopla around me are struggling, too. I think, i was so selfish and ignorant at the same time, especially when i decided to disappear everytime i feel down, but that's just how i manage my temprament, so i wont say something hurtful. When i heard they told me their stories, i know that they'd been holding it too long all along from the way they let it out. Let it flooded, and i feel like, i was no good friend for letting them carried it alone. What is family? A concept of a family that shaped in our society is kinda warm, full of love, and a place you can always be safe. Thats the normative way to describe it, right? In the real life, family might be harmful, give you scars, the source of your traumas. is it happened to me too? yes. So many scars that shaped me into a person that questioned love most of the time. Changed me into a girl who afraid to give my trust to other people, who have

I dont know what happened to myself. I dont know if i was having too much time spent with people, so i feel so exhausted. Yesterday, i woke up in the morning, helped out my aunt to cook for breakfast, played with my niece. Sounds fun, right? yes, at first i feel like i was happy to be surrounded by family, but i woke up the next morning and feeling there was somethin wrong with me. My body was fine, i just feel so tired, but couldnt even resting up my body. I've been spending my time alone. Most of the time doing nothing on the week end. May be i was just shocked after long time didnt go home and attending family gathering, which i can not just being lazy enjoying my day off working on the weekend.  Last night when cousin asked me to brought food for our family whose stays in the hospital, the feeling got worse. I didnt know if it reminds me of my mom or anything else. I really dont know. I went back and cried while riding my bike. My tears just fell, slowly. i Dont know why.  This

Dunno why, i started 2023 with gloomy feeling. I cant be focused. I dont have the energy to do anything. I want to listen someone talk to me deeply, i want someone i can be clingy af, muttering anything. It is way much exhausted to start another convo with different men, again and again. Like, last time i feel like, i finally have, at least, someone i thought i like to talk with, but turns i was just curious why do that man ghosted me. Everytime my friend introduced me to other single men, i refused asap. Because i'm so tired of that trial-error. But, i want to find someone i can talk with in hard times. Someone i can be free to express my feeling when i'm tired, when i want affection, when i'm mad or sad. But, i'm tired.

Last night i spent new year with friends. We talked about many things, from our high school memories to our insecurities. A friend asked me, "if it possible that my insecurities came from the way my parents raised me when i was a child?" I explained anything i know, and from what i've been watching around, fellow thinker mostly have that issues, their feeling that never develop well, so it is hard to express feeling, or understanding others feeling. One day, a friend talked to me. What is most important to see from a man is his relation with his mom. Does he treat his mom well? So, does the girl. How's their relation with her father? Does she treat her father well? Because one day, they'll treat their partner the same way. May be it is right. May be.