A Family

 I thought it's only me that have been struggling though the hard times, but actually peopla around me are struggling, too. I think, i was so selfish and ignorant at the same time, especially when i decided to disappear everytime i feel down, but that's just how i manage my temprament, so i wont say something hurtful.

When i heard they told me their stories, i know that they'd been holding it too long all along from the way they let it out. Let it flooded, and i feel like, i was no good friend for letting them carried it alone. What is family?

A concept of a family that shaped in our society is kinda warm, full of love, and a place you can always be safe. Thats the normative way to describe it, right?

In the real life, family might be harmful, give you scars, the source of your traumas.

is it happened to me too? yes.

So many scars that shaped me into a person that questioned love most of the time. Changed me into a girl who afraid to give my trust to other people, who have hard times to maintain relationship, who afraid to settle down and get married. Who always stressed out everytime my phone rang from people at home, "what's again?" I thought, other family was better than mine that they can always have place to go home everytime things get worse. They had family to be trusted to talk about our problem. Thats why, i was happy to meet a good one from dating apps who was close to his family. Named his father as Super Dad, texted his father like talk to his friends.

"Mas xxx, bapak nemu kucing masih kecil. kira-kira dikasih makan apa?"

"Kucingnya baru lahir ya, pak? belum bisa makan, dikasih minum susu kitten saja."

I found his posts when his lil sister got married and how he welcome his brother in law. I want a family like that. I want a family i can always talk when i was in trouble, though just a small daily shits about cat i met on the way back home or jerk writing i read from scholars. There's always this kind of thing i have, deep down, that i never talk to my exes.

So does what happened to my friends. Their family gave them wide scars they've been living and growing with. Like me, like them, children like us who grew with painful memories and scars that never healed become grown women and men who have emotional problem. We become less empathy, hard times to maintain anger, difficulties in communicating our feeling, and choose to disappear most of the time when facing people argued or debated or fought over something. We choose to leave. Why? because we know what's following after that when we involve ourselves or stand near them. Another scars: sometimes it's a harsh words, and sometimes its physical attacked. Do they know they hurted us? No. When we confronted or spoke, they cant even understand it, and blame us.

I heard a childhood traumas about them who choked near to death by their own parent because they were innocence kid who answer the question honestly. So, they can not sleep at night everytime their parent fought or confuse everytime people asked them about things, "will my answer be wrong and i get scolded? will my mom choked me if i talked?" everytime. We become indecisive.

I heard another childhood traumas about friends whose afraid and trembling everytime they heard people fought. Because one day their parent threw thing at them when the fought. Their heart beats faster, and they lost controlled over theirselves when facing moment like that.

Can we still called them parent if they dont provide us 'a safe space'? yes, we can. Why?

Beside pain and scars, we received love. So much. In another way that may different from most of people. I received much love, which sometimes made me cried and sad because its gone before i can paid it back. So do my friends, i think. Yes. They gave us the best they can afford, that not all children could get. They worked day and night for us. They might hurt us in the morning, but kissed us in the night before sleep.

How confuse us as children, to get mad over the hurt things or love them because the love they gave us. Most parent never say sorry for the things they done. Most parent never admit their mistakes toward their children. And yet, we learned parenting from how we saw our parent everyday, from what we accepted from them everyday.

So when people only describe family as a warm place that is full of love and you can always find peace and safety, they might forget that the ones who close to you ht most can sometimes give you pain, too. The ones that you love can bring happiness and pain to your life, and the damage it made was way greater than other people can ever do.

So when people at my age already married, i'm still struggling to cure my traumas. Bring back my trust to the marriage institution. How i can build a better family for my future kids. How i can love them properly. How i will raise them into a good and happy kids, so they will spread love and happiness as the receive so much from family.

I'm learning to be a better parent, just in case one day i become a mother. Its what my friends plan too. Yet, we have so many things to be fixed, and the process may not easy. Our journey may took longer time. But, we want to be the best version of us when we decided to have kid. We were broken kid, grew up as a broken adult. Our road are different from others. So, never tell us to get husband or wife soon. Some people live as happy kid, and grew as good adult. They dont have to suffer the traumas we've been livin with. So, never, even once, dare to tell us when the right time to get married. We'll do if we're ready to build family.

Our scary dream every night is not only that we may get a bad partner, but also that we become that bad mother or father who gave our child scars like what we got from our previous. That's why, we're trying to fix ourselves before we look for a good partner. A warm one that will easily show their affection and validate our emotion. The one we can find comfort and be safe.