chus26pedrosa's diary

There's kind of relief when i read things work well with him. The guilty feeling that slowly fade away, clearing up the path that had been dark lately. I'd punished myself enough for the bad things i did to him, and i think it is time for me to do the same. Walk on my present and left anything hurtful behind. I'll learn from my past mistake. how to walk on the present? Actually i dont know, but i've planned to join basketball club or running club. Try socializing which i almost never try. May be when its so much exhausting, i'll just quit. Commiting to join in is kind of hard thing to do, like maintaining relationship. The skill that i dont posses, everyone knows. wkwk May be, to walk on the present is appreciating what i have since it's there for me: like friends and family. Spending my time with my bestfriends, since they're still there with me. unmarried and free. Spending time with family, visiting my niece and going home sometimes. I dont need to compet...

Apa ketakutan dalam hidup yang selalu membekas? Rasa takut dalam diri orang terkadang menyelinap diam-diam dalam tindakan pengecut yang memilih untuk kabur dan menghindar, atau yang secara sadar mengambil alih kontrol diri dengan marah atau menangis. Rasa takut itu adalah musuh bagi akal sehat, fear is the most powerful enemy to reason, setidaknya itu yang bisa kudapat ketika membaca The Assault of Reason karangan Al Gore. Apa yang paling kamu takuti dalam hidupmu? Aku sering mengelak ketika teman mengatakan bahwa ketidakinginanku menikah adalah karena rasa takut berlebihan di dalam kepalaku sendiri, tapi lama-lama memang harus kuakui itu benar. Menyaksikan banyak kekerasan yang terjadi pada perempuan di dalam rumah tangga membuatku amat sulit untuk mengubah pikiran dari tidak ingin menikah ke 'kupikirkan nanti'. Aku sempat tidak ingin menikah, menolak institusi pernikahan, dan sampai sekarang masih mempertimbangkan itu. Sebetulnya bukan saja karena ketakutan mendapatkan pasang...

After months wondering ENTJ personality around me, i finally get the answer. He is the man i dated for more than 2 years and flirted to each other also for 2 years. So, i'd know the person so well since 2013, and we got back together only few month in 2019. Hahaha I've been wondering how ENTJ in person, and would they work well with me as friend or lover? So, the answer is YES! Hahaha we'd been dating and flirting since 2013, since i was undergrad student, he walked with me through my worst moment and i walked with him through his hard times. I know how well he worked with me, pushed me to pursuing my dream, to get better job (before i got this job and took master degree), offered me his hand for help, loved my weirdness patiently (not that patient actually, he often complained, almost everyday wkwk), and we shared many things: love, dreams, stories, tears. Now i know why ENTJ called as 'sisi gelap' INTP, because in my unconciusness, we were look alike. In pursuing ...

 Hi again! I think it is way better to write here than any other socmed. People will easily find and articulate the way they want. I know i am disappointed because things dont go the way i planned, but it's been a day and this morning moment still bothering me. I've been compromising and it was not easy, i told clearly what i want...i know, i can not get everything i want, but in exchange to just do what people want me to do, i have my own term. I'm so mad, and i know that my face was clearly said what exactly i wanted to say. I dont know what's wrong with me. I shouldnt be bother and mad just because that little case. But insted of telling it out load to make it clear that "I don't want to!" I take steps out and isolate myself, so my words wont hurts anyone. I know i would be harsh and means when i'm not in the good mood, and i would end up regretting it. That's why i took steps out. Stay away for awhile. I dont know myself. I dont know how to com...

 Hi, again i think i wrote more frequent these days. It helped me to reduce my stresses, because i've been thinking all alone, about many things, and rarely say it out load. So, it was probably the reason why i get stressed easier before. Today, i had a bit deep talk with an old friend. We shared stories about our romance life. In my age, lot of friends already married and having baby. In other side, we're still single. It is not a big deal, actually. I sat on my chair and recalled my thoughts. When i was on the high school, i told my friend about plans to marry on my late 20s, while most of my friend said they would get married on 21 or 25 (at worst). Marriage never crossed my mind as a life goal. Dont wanna satisfied the society by getting married before 25, also. I was quite certain that i would be such independent woman when i grow up, so that simple thing like marriage would never bother me. And to be honest, i never planned to live longer than 27. I don't know why, bu...

Ada berapa banyak waktu kita buang untuk mencari satu, dua, tiga kehangatan meski akhirnya terbakar atau masih berselimut dingin Sebanyak langkah-langkah kita bergerak ke depan, meski akhirnya tak pergi kemana-mana, layaknya hari kemarin Sampai kita lelah berbuat apa-apa, tidak ingin menunggu atau berkelana dan diam saja, sendiri. Hanya diri sendiri Pagi masih sama seperti biasa kita bangun dari tempat yang berbeda memandang dunia dari sudut yang tak sama Burung-burung dara terbang di atap gedung raksasa sembari menundukkan kepala, menatap nyala dengan hati yang lapar Tak ada kasih sayang untuk diberikan bukankah kita adalah fakir yang mengais hiburan pada sisa-sisa malam

Aku selalu bilang, hanya ada dua alasan aku bisa menulis puisi. Pertama adalah patah hati, kedua adalah jatuh cinta. "Mengapa orang yang suka dengan puisi sepertimu tak bisa mengekspresikan emosi?" Sering kali orang menanyakan pertanyaan di atas padaku. Pertama, aku bukannya tidak bisa memahami emosi atau perasaan orang lain, aku hanya tidak tahu cara meresponnya. Aku punya empathy, mungkin tidak sedalam kebanyakan orang, tetapi aku paham ketika orang lain menangis atau bersedih, tetapi seringkali diliputi kebingungan bagaimana harus merespon. Kebanyakan, aku hanya duduk menemani dan mendengarkan. Kadang hanya menyodorkan tisssue atau membelikan makanan. Menangis juga butuh enerji, jadi yang bisa kulakukan hanya memastikan mereka tetap kuat. Di lain sisi, puisi membantu orang-orang yang kebingungan mengekspresikan emosi sepertiku. Orang-orang yang kesulitan memilih kata yang tepat agar tak menyinggung, atau tak terkesan blak-blakkan, atau tak terkesan lancang, seperti diriku,...