Thoughts

 Hi, again

i think i wrote more frequent these days. It helped me to reduce my stresses, because i've been thinking all alone, about many things, and rarely say it out load. So, it was probably the reason why i get stressed easier before.

Today, i had a bit deep talk with an old friend. We shared stories about our romance life. In my age, lot of friends already married and having baby. In other side, we're still single. It is not a big deal, actually.

I sat on my chair and recalled my thoughts. When i was on the high school, i told my friend about plans to marry on my late 20s, while most of my friend said they would get married on 21 or 25 (at worst). Marriage never crossed my mind as a life goal. Dont wanna satisfied the society by getting married before 25, also. I was quite certain that i would be such independent woman when i grow up, so that simple thing like marriage would never bother me. And to be honest, i never planned to live longer than 27. I don't know why, but i was sure that growing old must be boring.

When i was undergrad student, i studied gender. I read more feminist thoughts and then i figured out myself that all of this time, what was happened to me, what society constructed me, and i dont want to serve patriarchal culture any more. I no longer want to follow any habits that society force me to be, as a woman. I've been witnessing many harrasment cases, women being dominated/marginalized/repressed and i want to free my mind from that stereotype they gave us. I want to liberate myself more than anyone or anything. I dont want to be repressed or marginalized, so i rebel. At that time, i had a thought of not gonna get married because i do believe that marriage is one of the tools that patriarch people use to conquer women. I didnt want to get on that idea into the family i would make. So, i secretly reject the idea of getting married. My objection is clear, tho most people said i was just scared of the idea in my head. But, i am not. I was sure and clear, marriage was not for people like me, may be isnt, too.

as i'm growing old, and pass the age of 27, i feel like i do not know what to do with my life. I really dont have any idea how i was supposed to walk on my 27. Life's getting worst, like losing mom on my 25, have to take care of  my lilbro who was just began his teenager life. Life was hard for me, and to think about it again, i may life longer than 30 or 40. Friends are getting married, one by one and they disappeared after that. These days, to go to coffee shop when i'm coming home and found them there is hard. Random moment to just sitting there and sharing stories or jokes are hard to find also.

I spend my time most frequent alone, and it is not bad, but somehow, there are moments i want to talk to other people, other than i always have a convo with myself, and i dont find anyone match my energy. I only have few friends, 2 or 4 who are match my energy, but we're part in different city, or different scedule, make it hard to just catching up because our time arent flexible. Sometimes i feel so lonely. Leaving me in despair, moreover in hard situation. In that kind of situation, i thought about dating person i can talk with, share with, love and care each other, and may be lead us to marriage. Because life longer may be hard and harder to bear alone.

I try dating apps, and found one to date, and last year we broke up. I still have the apps on my phone, and seems like hard to find other than that who match my energy, have the same intention, who can talk with me about anything.

 This kinda thing i talked with my friend this morning. We find it hard to get along with stranger, match their energy, feel the insecurity to meet up. We always end up unmatch the matched ones because we had different background, different intention, knowledge, and many things else that we thought it would gonna be a problem in the future.

Are we too picky?

I dont know which the line between too picky or just prepared for the worst. Conversation is the very basic thing in building relationship. I dont wanna give up on it. Like this, i matched with a religious one, and then i found him called me 'dek', asked about did i already pray, and he talked about goin to marry because of God, wife should like this and that. I find patterns for most of judging person hide behind religious one, the conventional thought behind how he treat me lower by calling me 'dek' and himself 'mas' instead of  name even tho we have the same age. So, i unmatched them. I prefer not to continue it. Things about rights and responsibility are very principle. I tend to hold mine, and it is difficult to change what they believe for too long. So, potential problem detected. I dont want my rights to be taken away from me (like right to liberate myself as woman, as learner, as researcher), and ofcourse, most people like him would like to hold his pride as a 'man' with higher position in society, think he was born to be a leader and he was all better based on what Qor'an said (tho i doubt he read it by himself and try to articulate not only by words but the time and circumstances). Cases like that not only happened once, but many times.

When i found clever ones, sometimes they are rude and see others lower. So, my time to showing off what's on my mind and slapping their arguments easily, to prove their position is not that higher. So, better shut the mouth off. I wanted to be humble, but if they challenged me to be cocky, i couldnt help myself then. I unmatched guy like that also.

Back into the line, as the time passed by, i dont mind if i would get married or not. The most important thing is if i decided to marry, i would marry a guy who match my energy, a guy with equivalent knowledge as me, can embrace my flaws, and so do i. A guy whse the gap is not too far from me in knowledge, education or economic backgound, and elses. And if i dont find one, i dont mind to stay single. It doesnt bother me anymore.

how i deal with loneliness? I read, hang out with friends, watch movies, etc. I may not happy, but i dont want to throw myself in hell. Bad and toxic relationship will make things worse, even tho sometimes we do not realize thaat we were that toxic partner itself. Situation put us to be that bad one.

I'm not serching, i'm not hoping. If any chance i would find one, it would be great. But if i destined to live alone, unmarried, it's also okay.