Popping Memories
This morning, out of nowhere, i feel like kinda missing thing. It happened just like that. Like when i wanted to order a train ticket to go home, i suddenly remember my last train trip. I just dunno why, this should not happen to me. We just had a day spent together, but the memory we had last time popped out and i couldn't do anything, but feel sad.
It's like a video playing in my mind when he sat on the floor waiting for me infront of the exit door in train station and i walked to him. His smile, i still remember very well. It sticked out. He always smile. This thing made it harder to forgive myself. Did i hurt him? did i miss him? How i always end up regretting things. After all these judgements, i still make worse decision.
I suddenly want to cry on, yet i'm facing lot of people and i'm holding it on while writing this. He is kind, but i always have this negative thinking. Do i really deserve this kind of life? All those overthinking to prevent me from being threatened, for being manipulated, yet i always end up hurting myself. I wanna have normal life like others, being loved and loving. Being wanted and wanting.
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