chus26pedrosa's diary

 "Jika dia datang padaku, maka aku akan berlari menujunya." Duduk, bengong, sambil melihat matahari tenggelam agaknya menenangkan. Entah kemana mataku tertuju. Apakah itu gradasi warna dari biru menuju abu terang, dan oranye semakin ke barat? ataukah itu awan-awan berwarna abu yang menggantung di langit-langit? kemana tepatnya mataku memandang, aku sendiri tidak tahu. Ketika kucoba untuk memikirkannya agar fokus pada apa yang ingin kuamati, aku justru terjatuh pada kesadaranku. Rasanya seperti merobek kertas lamunan untuk memastikan sesuatu yang aku sendiri tak tahu. Pasar turi ini stasiun paling bising dari semua stasiun yang ada di Surabaya. Meski begitu setiap stasiun selalu lebih menyenangkan untuk disinggahi. Seperti memunculkan harapan, meski hanya letupan kecil. Aku masih mendengarkan lagu yang direkomendasikan Arif pada pertemuan kami di kereta menuju Jakarta beberapa bulan lalu: Majelis Lidah Berduri, Mitsky, dan tentu saja lirik yang ia kutip pada bagian belakang ka...

I guess, i've done my part as i could I tried many times to understand what he never explained, yet made anything happened as excuses for me to feel sorry and forgive. Again and again. About late reply problem he could never fix and  his ignorance. I did my part to understand when he said he was on duty, so he text me back a day later. I did my part to negotiate about talk it before, just simple "i have many things to do and i'll text you later." or "i need sometime alone, and i'll be back when things get better." if he really could not talk about it. I think, i did my best. I was a better version of me when i was with him. Did i ever complain about his lack of knowledge? That made me questioned myself most of the time, "will it works for us with this kind of mind pairing?" "what i'm supposed to share when my daily convo are hard to understand for him?" "what kind of topic he could afford to join in?" All of my life, i d...

 Hello! Again. hehe Biasanya aku mulai menulis jika sedang merasa melankolis dan jarang-jarang menulis jika sedang senang. Kadang-kadang hanya karena terlalu bersemangat akan satu-dua hal saja. Sebetulnya sama, hari ini juga begitu. hehe Semalam saya datang ke konser band indie favorit yang baru saya tahu tahun lalu. Majelis Lidah Berduri atau yang dulu dikenal sebagai Melancholic Bitch. Sebetulnya di tahun 2019, saya telah tahu satu lagunya yang berjudul Sepasang Kekasih yang Bercinta di Luar Angkasa ketika Frau (kolaborasi) tampil di Kota Lama berdekatan dengan Venue Patjar Merah Semarang 2019. Lagu itu langsung menarik perhatian saya, karena diksi 'luar angkasa' yang digunakan. Tahun lalu, ketika dikenalkan dengan Melancholic Bitch, saya membaca surat Ugoran Prasad kepada para pendengar Melancholic Bitch tentang pergantian nama dari Melancholic Bitch menjadi Majelis Lidah Berduri. Sebuah surat yang cukup panjang, akrab, hangat, dan sedikit genit. Saya seperti tidak asing den...

 Somebody said, "run if you're upset. Write if you're sad." So, here i am... Today, i finally decided to end thing that does not even started yet. A relationship. About these past two or three months, i got close with a person i met from Bumble and today, this morning, i finally decided to stop this soon. The thing that make me sad isnt losing him, i guess. We haven't walk that far for me to be so sad, actually. The thing is, i've been dealing with my own confusion. I know that i may have bad habit of cutting of people easily and i've tring so hard to getting rid my toxic trait. But the thing is...i'm confuse, how far people normally tolerate things. Did i made the same mistake? Will i regret my decision again? I've been in the situation between unworthy feeling, that i had to ask again and again the same thing and the struggle to fix my bad habit. Was it the best decision? Should i hold this and be a little more patient? To be really honest, i fee...

 Last night, i was not feeling well, so i went to bed early i was waken up in the middle of night, i looked at the phone and it was 00.12. I just sat on the bed quietly and not doing anything. Then, i tried to remember things in my dream. Like usual, dream sometimes like a memory. It seems to be vivid, but never solid. It was fragments and each of them were whole different scene. It is like we jumped from one to another scene. And everytime we try to remember the whole story, there's a hole where the story fell to somewhere unknown. No, it's like there's a part that disappear, vaporize like morning dew on the mountain. Blurry, misty, and cold. The only thing i could catch is fragments where i interacted with my aunt. I could not remember what i was doing or what i was saying, nor the thing she told me. I just knew it was her. The other fragment i remember was talking to my mom. And again, i didnt remember what was it, we talking about. But i knew, it was her. I sat still an...

This is not poem and i am not a poet. When i wrote restless nights, i really meant it. I hate my mind that roots like hell, rotten

 Is there anyone fear of their self? Everyday i ask myself questions, "is this the right thing to do? will i ever regret the decision i made? will it destroy me the way i did last time?" I always fear everytime i should make any decision, even the simplier, like the fear i would regret it later. But when i didn't make any, the pressure inside or outsider gave to me drive me crazy. The overthink and over analyze i should bear everytime. The restless unusual heartbeat pressed my chest and made me hardly breath. Made wanna die sometimes. Made me wanna quit mostly. This happen mostly when i'm about to start a relationship. Is this person worth my time, worth the effort i will spend, will he cheat on me? or destroy me? Is this person really into me? or he just wanna flirt? why did it take longer time for him to reply? does he have other girls he's into? am i his second option? Did he change his mind? did i make mistake? those crazy questions really drive me crazy and m...

Do you know what? Everyday i tried my best to hold the urge to call your number. Stopped myself to text you and tell how i really miss our random convo at night. Everyday. Not because i knew you wouldn't picking it up, but i really wanted to keep my promise, to not bother you any more. I tried to collect reasons for me to forget you, day to day, and the other me replied, gave me another reason to hold. "You don't know what kind of person he is." and the other i replied, "He was kind and nice and what else you wanna know? Does it all matter to you?" and then i said to myself, "He probably has a girlfriend now. A girl he met from bumble, like he met you." "How could you know if you didnt ask? therapist said to control your mind and say exactly what you wanna know. Prejudice would only make everything went worst." and then i said again to myself, "But whatever i do, he will never forgive me for the bruises i made and nothing i do will m...

Today, i decided to write more about funny and random things that make me happy. Umm, this is hard, while i'm writing this, i think about what moment make me happy or random things that one day i could laugh at, when i look back. Oh, okay, this one. Do you know that dream is kind of strange world beyond our control? Yes, i dreamt last night. It was so strange and random and when i woke up this morning, i was just starring at the ceiling and, "what was it?" wkwkkw So, my dream last night began with i befriend with Uma Hapsari, Kiki Huillet, and their circle like Patricia Guow etc. We decided to stay in luxury hotel, but what made me confuse is we shared the same room and the room was sooo big that there are so many doors inside. There are bule there drinking like they were on the beach and they sat on the long bench above the river. I was so confuse, which room i should enter? did i make a good impression to them? because i was like 'anak baru' in the circle. Wkwkw...

Why do we live with fears and regrets? What did i do to deserve to be cursed? One day, i sat and watched the sky was clear and bright, but i could not enjoy the sun shine. I was there and it was just too much light, burned my head to heat, and all the things was frustating. I had no idea what to do with all this bright things, because i missed my bed already, my room where i could be free and no one else watched me cried to sleep, and bothered me to talk, or forced me to listen. And i went back to memories, stepped back to the failure. Everytime i was about to start a new relation, the past mistake haunted me like, "what if i make the same mistake? what if this person would drag me to the hell of relationship? what if i hurt him the same way i did to my ex? How should i handle my feeling? how should i treat his feeling?" All these overthinking, all these judgements, i still made wrong decision. What about now? I knew very well, i'm still not over yet. But this thing, i pa...

Aku selalu bertanya-tanya, mengapa libur panjang, seperti libur tahun baru atau menjelang lebaran, stasiun dan bandara menjadi ramai sesak, serta jalan-jalan menjadi macet? Mengapa orang-orang mengorbankan banyak hal hanya agar bisa pulang ke kampung halaman? Hari ini aku terpaksa naik kereta menuju Jakarta untuk menghadiri undangan mengisi kuliah, karena tiket pesawat sudah habis sebulan lalu. Pasar Turi memang stasiun paling ramai, karena padatnya jadwal kereta, tapi hari-hari ini ramainya luar biasa sehingga membuatku pusing. Bahkan di ruang tunggu eksekutif tak ada bedanya denggan ruang tunggu ekonomi: orang-orang berlalu-lalang membawa koper besar dan kerdus, anak-anak kecil berlarian dan menangis, sementara yang lain sibuk memainkan gawai dan beberapa lainnya tertidur kelelahan. Suatu hari aku bertanya kepada salah satu staf pengajar di departemenku, "Kenapa harus menunggu lebaran untuk pulang?" Dia menjelaskan padaku sembari mengejekku sebagai kaum berprivilese dan men...

 Akhirnya aku menulis lagi.. Selalu butuh patah hati untuk kembali menulis di sini. Tapi sejujurnya, ada beberapa tulisan yang tak selesai di draft. Hanya saja tak layak, karena tak selesai. Setelah apa yang terjadi di tahun 2021, aku bisa menemukan diriku perlahan membuka diri pada orang baru, berusaha saling mengenal, dan bertukar emosi. Aku memulai dengan meyakinkan pada diriku, "tidak harus menemukan seorang pasangan, barangkali cukup kawan bicara yang sepadan." Rupanya hal seperti itu tidak ada. Hahaha, naif sekali. Semuanya baik-baik saja sebelum trauma masa lalu pelan berjalan masuk pada ruang-ruang kosong di pikiran. "Kenapa tidak lagi sering menelpon? kenapa tidak lagi merespon pesan dengan cepat di waktu senggang? kenapa harus menunggu siang hari untuk merespon pesan semalam? Apa ada gadis lain?" Ada semacam pertarungan antara kesadaran di dalam pikiran dan alam bawah sadar pada emosi. You have no right to ask for more, but doesn't it all matter to bot...