Straighten Out My Mind

I guess, i've done my part as i could

I tried many times to understand what he never explained, yet made anything happened as excuses for me to feel sorry and forgive. Again and again.

About late reply problem he could never fix and  his ignorance. I did my part to understand when he said he was on duty, so he text me back a day later. I did my part to negotiate about talk it before, just simple "i have many things to do and i'll text you later." or "i need sometime alone, and i'll be back when things get better." if he really could not talk about it.

I think, i did my best. I was a better version of me when i was with him. Did i ever complain about his lack of knowledge? That made me questioned myself most of the time, "will it works for us with this kind of mind pairing?" "what i'm supposed to share when my daily convo are hard to understand for him?" "what kind of topic he could afford to join in?" All of my life, i dated men with broad knowledge, broad mind...lot of books discussion, lots of music and movies talks...so, i mostly date their mind, but with him, i barely know nothing about him. What excited him the most? What topic he mastered? where's the word gone? even so, i told myself to be patience, "we might need more time to know each other, more time to spend together, more time to spend talking..." yet, none of it happened.

We've been close for a few months and there's no significant move he took. Everytime i confronted about things made me uncomfortable, he said sorry and made an excuses, i felt sorry and forgive, but nothing ever gets better after that.

I'm tired already.

This relationship will not work this or that way.

The reason for me to stay is probably due to my biggest regret for the past failures, the things i should've done better yesterday, but this time, i've done my best. I did what i could. I broader my patience, wider my tolerance just so i won't regret my decision and not losing over my negative thoughts. I'm not betraying myself. I save myself from unavailable person emotionally and physically. I save my time from unworthy relationship. I...straighten out my mind to make a good decision that i will thank myself later. I'm done.

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