The Battle I Have In The Mind

Do you know what?

Everyday i tried my best to hold the urge to call your number. Stopped myself to text you and tell how i really miss our random convo at night. Everyday.

Not because i knew you wouldn't picking it up, but i really wanted to keep my promise, to not bother you any more.

I tried to collect reasons for me to forget you, day to day, and the other me replied, gave me another reason to hold.

"You don't know what kind of person he is."

and the other i replied, "He was kind and nice and what else you wanna know? Does it all matter to you?"

and then i said to myself, "He probably has a girlfriend now. A girl he met from bumble, like he met you."

"How could you know if you didnt ask? therapist said to control your mind and say exactly what you wanna know. Prejudice would only make everything went worst."

and then i said again to myself, "But whatever i do, he will never forgive me for the bruises i made and nothing i do will make any different. He deserves to get better person."

I typed your name many times in the searching box, hope to find anything. What kind of person you are, how things are going with you. Just to get the update about you. I got nothing. Sometimes i went to your IG and hope there would be any new photo you uploaded. Not any.

I've been through many broken heart and i should've been familiar with it. But everytime, it feels like my first time. The ache in the chest made it hard to breath. Even if i knew, i would pass this moment eventually. Like i did.

I wonder why do i keep longing for the past mistake? What tied me up? I want to be free.

Does it because the guilty feeling of causing a person hurt? Is it because of my curiosness? I don't know.

May be one day, one fine day, when things get better and we accidentally bump into each other, somewhere, i want us to greet each other like an old friend. Shake hand, say hello and good bye. And let go off anything behind. I want to live with no regret. Live the present.

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