chus26pedrosa's diary

 Hi, A Remember the song i sent to you 2 years ago? That one you said that you like 'kesapian'. Yes, Refo dan Fauna. I followed him. Turns out, he is very friendly and he is on the same side as me, as you. He spoke about justice and humanity, just like us. Against goverment's stupid policies. Yesterday, he released new song, with universal studio, called "Aku Cape Banget". Very easy listening and just like always, the lyric is so weird. I like his musics. Sometimes when i jogg, i listen to his music and can't hold myself from laughing. I think, his type is just like yours, ENFP. I can easily make friend with fellow ENFP. Mas Bag and my new room mate are ENFP too. I dunno, i think, you and the other fellow ENFPs have skill to entertaint the entire room. I envy how people can easily make a conversation and talk. You know, i'm bad at that thing. I wanted to send his new song to you. I wanted to make up with you, but i stop myself. I may hurt you again. I may ...

 Hi, A Oneday i dreamt about you, but i don't remember what was it. I just knew, when i woke up in the morning, i feel like i wanted to talk to you, really bad. My therapist said that i need to write it up just like if i was talking to you, and here i am...writing up this thing to you. You know, so many thing happened to me after we didn't talk, i lost your contact, coz i try hard not to text you, so i deleted everything about you. You deleted your account. And i barely have no information about you. And when i miss you, i just ride to train station, or go eat to place where you took me to. I just have no clue about how to handle it. How was your day? how are you? Have you find a partner yet? Did you married? How's work? Are you still covering up your friend, who was sick? I really hope you're doing fine, doing good, and still laughing more often. I miss to listen you talked about your friends you used to hang out, pos ronda friends. The one you said became a petugas KP...

 Melarung rindu ke laut sebagaimana raga disucikan dalam bentuk abu yang akan larut. Tapi, barangkali rindu tak sama.Rindu serupa jiwa, bukan raga, yang tak tersentuh panasnya api atau dinginnya musim. Ia serupa jiwa yang bersemayam pada tubuh-tubuh manusia, sesekali bangkit dalam wujud melankolia. Barangkali dalam bentuk gelombang, seperti ombak. Kadang-kadang capillary, kadang-kadang tsunami. Kita, sebagaimana yang sudah-sudah, banyak belajar dari kesalahan. Kita belajar mencintai, setelah kehilangan. Kita belajar makna hadir, justru ketika rindu. Kita belajar banyak dari semua hal yang absen di hidup, sehingga ketika hadir dapat dimaknai lebih baik. Apakah manusia benar-benar memiliki jatah 3 kali untuk jatuh cinta seumur hidupnya? Jika betul demikian, apakah proses selanjutnya yang terjadi hanyalah proses melanjutkan hidup? Apa makna mencintai sebetulnya? Dan apa guna hidup yang hanya dilanjutkan karena belum waktunya mati? Kita matian-matian belajar menafsirkan segala yang ter...

 Ada yang menyusup masuk dari celah semut yang tak nampak menggeliat dan melipat ganda menjadi banyak kemudian memberontak benteng kendali seperti rakyat yang bergerak meruntuhkan rezim Video setahun lalu yg direkam dengan HP Redmi Note 10 buluk, dengan suara berat akibat hawa dingin, menjelaskan 4 macam makanan dari orang-orang yg membagikannya gratis di plataran An-Nabawi. Kukirim di sela Magrib menuju Isya pada waktu tengah malam di jam Indonesia. Hari ini kuputar kembali secara tak sengaja dan mataku berkaca, lalu basah. "Ya Allah, jika tahun lalu kuminta petunjuk, maka hari ini bolehkah kuminta 'dia saja'? Tolong, jangan yang lain." Bolehkah kuminta keajaiban agar terjadi: yang semula rusak jadi membaik, yang semula hilang akan kembali, yang semula remuk akan menyatu dan utuh? Aku ingin sekali menjadi egois untuk memintanya kembali, karena berulang kali kucoba lupa, kenangan itu menemukan jalan kembali dan menguasai. Berulang kali kucoba rela, tapi di dalam dirik...

 "Jika dia datang padaku, maka aku akan berlari menujunya." Duduk, bengong, sambil melihat matahari tenggelam agaknya menenangkan. Entah kemana mataku tertuju. Apakah itu gradasi warna dari biru menuju abu terang, dan oranye semakin ke barat? ataukah itu awan-awan berwarna abu yang menggantung di langit-langit? kemana tepatnya mataku memandang, aku sendiri tidak tahu. Ketika kucoba untuk memikirkannya agar fokus pada apa yang ingin kuamati, aku justru terjatuh pada kesadaranku. Rasanya seperti merobek kertas lamunan untuk memastikan sesuatu yang aku sendiri tak tahu. Pasar turi ini stasiun paling bising dari semua stasiun yang ada di Surabaya. Meski begitu setiap stasiun selalu lebih menyenangkan untuk disinggahi. Seperti memunculkan harapan, meski hanya letupan kecil. Aku masih mendengarkan lagu yang direkomendasikan Arif pada pertemuan kami di kereta menuju Jakarta beberapa bulan lalu: Majelis Lidah Berduri, Mitsky, dan tentu saja lirik yang ia kutip pada bagian belakang ka...

I guess, i've done my part as i could I tried many times to understand what he never explained, yet made anything happened as excuses for me to feel sorry and forgive. Again and again. About late reply problem he could never fix and  his ignorance. I did my part to understand when he said he was on duty, so he text me back a day later. I did my part to negotiate about talk it before, just simple "i have many things to do and i'll text you later." or "i need sometime alone, and i'll be back when things get better." if he really could not talk about it. I think, i did my best. I was a better version of me when i was with him. Did i ever complain about his lack of knowledge? That made me questioned myself most of the time, "will it works for us with this kind of mind pairing?" "what i'm supposed to share when my daily convo are hard to understand for him?" "what kind of topic he could afford to join in?" All of my life, i d...