chus26pedrosa's diary

I guess, i've done my part as i could I tried many times to understand what he never explained, yet made anything happened as excuses for me to feel sorry and forgive. Again and again. About late reply problem he could never fix and  his ignorance. I did my part to understand when he said he was on duty, so he text me back a day later. I did my part to negotiate about talk it before, just simple "i have many things to do and i'll text you later." or "i need sometime alone, and i'll be back when things get better." if he really could not talk about it. I think, i did my best. I was a better version of me when i was with him. Did i ever complain about his lack of knowledge? That made me questioned myself most of the time, "will it works for us with this kind of mind pairing?" "what i'm supposed to share when my daily convo are hard to understand for him?" "what kind of topic he could afford to join in?" All of my life, i d

 Hello! Again. hehe Biasanya aku mulai menulis jika sedang merasa melankolis dan jarang-jarang menulis jika sedang senang. Kadang-kadang hanya karena terlalu bersemangat akan satu-dua hal saja. Sebetulnya sama, hari ini juga begitu. hehe Semalam saya datang ke konser band indie favorit yang baru saya tahu tahun lalu. Majelis Lidah Berduri atau yang dulu dikenal sebagai Melancholic Bitch. Sebetulnya di tahun 2019, saya telah tahu satu lagunya yang berjudul Sepasang Kekasih yang Bercinta di Luar Angkasa ketika Frau (kolaborasi) tampil di Kota Lama berdekatan dengan Venue Patjar Merah Semarang 2019. Lagu itu langsung menarik perhatian saya, karena diksi 'luar angkasa' yang digunakan. Tahun lalu, ketika dikenalkan dengan Melancholic Bitch, saya membaca surat Ugoran Prasad kepada para pendengar Melancholic Bitch tentang pergantian nama dari Melancholic Bitch menjadi Majelis Lidah Berduri. Sebuah surat yang cukup panjang, akrab, hangat, dan sedikit genit. Saya seperti tidak asing den

 Somebody said, "run if you're upset. Write if you're sad." So, here i am... Today, i finally decided to end thing that does not even started yet. A relationship. About these past two or three months, i got close with a person i met from Bumble and today, this morning, i finally decided to stop this soon. The thing that make me sad isnt losing him, i guess. We haven't walk that far for me to be so sad, actually. The thing is, i've been dealing with my own confusion. I know that i may have bad habit of cutting of people easily and i've tring so hard to getting rid my toxic trait. But the thing is...i'm confuse, how far people normally tolerate things. Did i made the same mistake? Will i regret my decision again? I've been in the situation between unworthy feeling, that i had to ask again and again the same thing and the struggle to fix my bad habit. Was it the best decision? Should i hold this and be a little more patient? To be really honest, i fee

 Last night, i was not feeling well, so i went to bed early i was waken up in the middle of night, i looked at the phone and it was 00.12. I just sat on the bed quietly and not doing anything. Then, i tried to remember things in my dream. Like usual, dream sometimes like a memory. It seems to be vivid, but never solid. It was fragments and each of them were whole different scene. It is like we jumped from one to another scene. And everytime we try to remember the whole story, there's a hole where the story fell to somewhere unknown. No, it's like there's a part that disappear, vaporize like morning dew on the mountain. Blurry, misty, and cold. The only thing i could catch is fragments where i interacted with my aunt. I could not remember what i was doing or what i was saying, nor the thing she told me. I just knew it was her. The other fragment i remember was talking to my mom. And again, i didnt remember what was it, we talking about. But i knew, it was her. I sat still an

This is not poem and i am not a poet. When i wrote restless nights, i really meant it. I hate my mind that roots like hell, rotten

 Is there anyone fear of their self? Everyday i ask myself questions, "is this the right thing to do? will i ever regret the decision i made? will it destroy me the way i did last time?" I always fear everytime i should make any decision, even the simplier, like the fear i would regret it later. But when i didn't make any, the pressure inside or outsider gave to me drive me crazy. The overthink and over analyze i should bear everytime. The restless unusual heartbeat pressed my chest and made me hardly breath. Made wanna die sometimes. Made me wanna quit mostly. This happen mostly when i'm about to start a relationship. Is this person worth my time, worth the effort i will spend, will he cheat on me? or destroy me? Is this person really into me? or he just wanna flirt? why did it take longer time for him to reply? does he have other girls he's into? am i his second option? Did he change his mind? did i make mistake? those crazy questions really drive me crazy and m