About Everything I Wanted to Say

 Hi, A

Oneday i dreamt about you, but i don't remember what was it. I just knew, when i woke up in the morning, i feel like i wanted to talk to you, really bad. My therapist said that i need to write it up just like if i was talking to you, and here i am...writing up this thing to you.

You know, so many thing happened to me after we didn't talk, i lost your contact, coz i try hard not to text you, so i deleted everything about you. You deleted your account. And i barely have no information about you. And when i miss you, i just ride to train station, or go eat to place where you took me to. I just have no clue about how to handle it.

How was your day? how are you? Have you find a partner yet? Did you married? How's work? Are you still covering up your friend, who was sick? I really hope you're doing fine, doing good, and still laughing more often. I miss to listen you talked about your friends you used to hang out, pos ronda friends. The one you said became a petugas KPU, the one you said rich but dumb. I just miss talking to you. Have a conversation with you. Talked to you feels so much easier, i didnt need to explain myself, i didnt need to be someone else, i didnt need to hold myself when i wanted to talk about this and that. I felt like that song, you wrote about in your bio, was right. I felt that i was not alone in this world. There was a person who understand me, that i didn't need to explain and felt sorry about things i wanted to talk, to discuss, to judge. And that person was you. I wish, i could still talk to you.

Anyway, it's September the transition. Did you sneeze often? Coz, i'm starting to. I regularly consume non acid vitamin c and eat well, i try to. You knew i used to stay awake and you had to accompanied me back then, now i easily fell asleep. I feel tired most of the time coz i'm moving out, far from office and went back home at 7 or 8PM. So, you know, this 'manusia low energy' just feel exhausted and need to sleep. Anyway, about moving out, i already moved twice from the last place you ride me home. It is bigger now, and i can buy my own stuffs, and cook, and do small farming (grow some chillies and onion, but most of them died). So, i rarely had bakso or taichan for dinner anymore. I found a recipe for good salad, you probably could eat, coz there's no chicken or beef. Its just contain vegetables, corn, and boiled egg and i swear, it is reallyyyy goood. You have to try it. I'll make one for you if you want. My friends said i have to open PO, but you know me well, how lazy i am. Wkwkwk

I barely have no friend to talk. Remember Mas Bagus and Pak Soleh? Pak Soleh moved to kampus b, and me too. My chief got new position and i followed him. So, we're separated. Mas bag and i are still in the same unit, but different floor, we still joggs once or twice a week together. Somehow mba citra join. It is not the same again. I used to stay until late coz in the office, i could talk to pak soleh and mas bag. We fought, we argued, we discussed, we debated. But now, i have no one to talk like that. My new room mates are good, but i can not talk anything i want. We don't fight, coz we don't discuss alot. And the other friends i mostly talked i went out together, i don't hang out with them anymore. Something happened and i just can't go back to where we were.

After we argued and end up don't talk anymore, i matched someone on bumble. We talked and i tried to do my best. When we argued, he ghosted, but i learned from my mistake. So, i talked to him first, made sure that i won't regret for leaving. I tried and tried to fix, but then i realize i didnt enjoy talk to him the way i enjoyed talk to you. I mostly hold back things he didnt understand, and then i realize that i'm not fond of him. I just feel sorry for things i did to you, i feel bad about what i did, and i tried hard not to do the same mistake, not to make another mistake. I didn't fond of him. I just didnt wanna fail, didnt wanna make the same mistake. And i realize that i didnt enjoy it. So then, i let it sink. I just want t

 I'll write again, anything i wanted to say to you...anything. 

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