chus26pedrosa's diary

This is not poem and i am not a poet. When i wrote restless nights, i really meant it. I hate my mind that roots like hell, rotten

 Is there anyone fear of their self? Everyday i ask myself questions, "is this the right thing to do? will i ever regret the decision i made? will it destroy me the way i did last time?" I always fear everytime i should make any decision, even the simplier, like the fear i would regret it later. But when i didn't make any, the pressure inside or outsider gave to me drive me crazy. The overthink and over analyze i should bear everytime. The restless unusual heartbeat pressed my chest and made me hardly breath. Made wanna die sometimes. Made me wanna quit mostly. This happen mostly when i'm about to start a relationship. Is this person worth my time, worth the effort i will spend, will he cheat on me? or destroy me? Is this person really into me? or he just wanna flirt? why did it take longer time for him to reply? does he have other girls he's into? am i his second option? Did he change his mind? did i make mistake? those crazy questions really drive me crazy and m...

Do you know what? Everyday i tried my best to hold the urge to call your number. Stopped myself to text you and tell how i really miss our random convo at night. Everyday. Not because i knew you wouldn't picking it up, but i really wanted to keep my promise, to not bother you any more. I tried to collect reasons for me to forget you, day to day, and the other me replied, gave me another reason to hold. "You don't know what kind of person he is." and the other i replied, "He was kind and nice and what else you wanna know? Does it all matter to you?" and then i said to myself, "He probably has a girlfriend now. A girl he met from bumble, like he met you." "How could you know if you didnt ask? therapist said to control your mind and say exactly what you wanna know. Prejudice would only make everything went worst." and then i said again to myself, "But whatever i do, he will never forgive me for the bruises i made and nothing i do will m...