chus26pedrosa's diary

Maybe i'm just exhausted, i need a break from the world.   I carried everything alone, and i hope people do the same, like they won't bother me for simple things that actually they can solve by their own. I have all the craps and deal with it, everyday, everytime, alone. I can help other's craps, but not that every single shits they can do it by theirselves. Dealing with my own craps everydays have already tired me up. And i do respect others business, by not asking them things i can do it by myself. I have no one i can lean on. Not even to share all my craps. I'm sorry if i'm being that selfish, but i am all that i have. Why don't people just try to stand on their own also. Why bother me?

Yesterday, when i wrote on my IG story about 'Drowning in Information', my senior replied my story to ask me, "since when writing can be afforded by publics? our anchestors passed information by telling stories and tales. So did about knowledge." His point is questioning about writing culture that actually he thinks doesn't suits our culture. Well, i said that i had no information if back then we didn't move to writing culture. I told him that old tradition when people passed information directly, by telling stories and tales, had positive and negative effects. The negative side was that information and knowledge were depends on human, means when the body dies, the ideas in their head followed. It stopped. So, the limitation is about time and place. Only people around the master could listen to their stories and tales. Yes, the positive side was we didn't need to question about information validity. No need to check other source of information (may be stil...

Few days ago, i went home after several months not coming home. Well, i felt lonely when i was home. It felt so strange to be home, because i usually spend my days alone, here. But i felt lonelier when i was with other people. I dunno, may be it's because i didnt feel welcomed and we became perfectly like strangers. There's always time when i really want everything went back to five or six years ago, when you're still with us. Just be there. I don't want you to cook meal for us or to clean the house or do anything, just live with us and hug me when i had a bad dream. But, mom, i do realize it can't be happened. I know that we were not that close to talk about what we feel about things or express our feeling as well. But with you around me, i felt safe. So many things i haven't done to you, i haven't give you. Every now and then when i see girls hanging out with their mom in the shopping mall, i wish you were here, with me. I wanted to buy you delicious food,...

 Pagi tadi, saya memulis tentang fenomena fear of missing out yang terjadi di kalangan anak muda beberapa tahun terakhir. Fenomena ini nggak lepas dari perkembangan teknologi yang memudahkan manusia berinteraksi, berkomunikasi, dan memperoleh informasi dengan mudahnya. Akses informasi yang hampir tanpa batas ini membuat orang dibanjiri dengan informasi, yang dapat dikatakan tak terbendung. Tapi yang kemudian menjadi pertanyaan adalah, apakah informasi itu dapat diterima dan diolah? Kadang-kadang tidak. Dampak dari banjir informasi ini bikin orang: pertama, menjadi bingung; kedua, menjadi gusar. Bingung untuk mencerna mana yang benar dan mana yang salah; mana yang baik dan mana yang buruk; mana yang bisa dan harus diikuti dan mana yang harus dibiarkan saja. Kalau kata Aldi Taher, semua orang di dunia ini bingung, nanti nggak bingung pas udah di surga. Ya bener nggak bener sih. Wkwkwk sebetulnya kebingungan itu bisa diminimalisir dengan pola pikir, sistem saringan, untuk melakukan si...

Last time, i had long convo with a friend. He offered a topic about technology would replace some professions. it's already starting tho. Long time ago, people work in a big factory, but we knew a revolution happened in France, replaced most of workers with machines. But i dont think people should be afraid too much on that changes, because when some profession are replaced with AI, there would come another new professions. For example, long time ago, we had no such called influencer, we were looking information about products from ads which also created by the company of the product. Now that there are too many products in the market, people get confuse which product suits their needs and wants, so there's an influencers to give them information about the products. Long time ago, we came to buy meals. Now, because we got lot of things to do, but our time are limited, there's a profession to serve a delivery service. Now that everything are based online, there are too many ...

Imagining him hug me in the middle of loneliness night, it comforts me everytime, like, finding part of me that beg, i want him back to me, but no. The thing that i use to comfort myself is my imagination about him. It is the ideas of him that i create in my own mind. I want those nights we spend to listen to his mind, telling me this and that, and even if i already knew about it, i still love to listen the way he told me with that excitement. And i hate myself for being over analizing things. Somehow, i enjoyed while amigdala shuts, when i dont have to think about what causing 'it', how it could destroy me, what the future might be. I want just enjoy the moment and be happy. Possed an over analizing power is curse. That way brain consume too much from happiness. To prevent greater lost? fuck off, its not preventing, but sabotaging myself from happiness and it is worse than consuming drugs.

Kita berusaha berdamai dengan sepi, setiap hari. Sembari pura-pura merayakan kebebasan. Dulu, saya yakin sekali bahwa saya tidak akan menikah dan untuk itu tidak berada di dalam suatu hubungan pun tidak menjadi masalah bagi saya. Saya yakin bahwa teman-teman yang bisa diajak ngobrol dan nongkrong saja cukup untuk menemani saya sampai tua, jika itu mungkin. Tetapi toh kala itu saya hanya berencana hidup sampai usia 27 tahun. Na'asnya hidup saya lebih dari itu. Sekarang di usia yang menginjak 30 tahun, saya sudah kehilangan beberapa teman yang dulunya saya kira akan terus menemani saya ngobrol dan nongkrong. Beberapa dari mereka menikah dan sibuk mengurus anak atau bekerja lebih giat karena ada orang lain yang ditanggungnya. Beberapa lainnya bekerja di tempat yang lebih jauh, tidak terkecuali saya yang pada akhirnya berpindah kota. Mengobati sepi itu, saya mencoba menjalin hubungan romansa, tetapi entah itu trauma lama yang belum terobati atau memang hanya keputusan bodoh, saya kerap...