chus26pedrosa's diary

Pernah tidak kita merasa 'sungkan' atau justru 'lebay' ketika menerima pujian? Sejujurnya, itu yang kurasakan, meski kadang di dalam hati ada rasa senang juga, tapi sering tidak tahu bagaimana harus bersikap ketika dipuji. Saya sepertinya hampir tidak pernah menerima pujian dari orang tua ketika kecil, meski saya tahu bahwa di belakang saya, bapak atau almarhum ibu memuji anak-anaknya. Jadi, agak aneh bagi saya ketika kemudian saya menerima pujian, doa, atau apa saja. Di keluarga kami, emosi hampir jarang diekspresikan secara luwes, kecuali amarah yang memuncak, baik itu dengan menangis atau marah-marah. Itu pun hanya orang tua yang punya privilese mengekspresikan rasa marah. Anak-anak hanya mengekspresikan rasa marah jika sedang berantem antar saudara. Jadi, saya juga tidak tahu sesungguhnya bagaimana mengekspresikan rasa senang di dalam rumah, atau membagikan kekecewaan melalui komunikasi yang baik. Ketika ulang tahun, setelah memberikan nasi kuning kepada teman-teman...

 I thought it's only me that have been struggling though the hard times, but actually peopla around me are struggling, too. I think, i was so selfish and ignorant at the same time, especially when i decided to disappear everytime i feel down, but that's just how i manage my temprament, so i wont say something hurtful. When i heard they told me their stories, i know that they'd been holding it too long all along from the way they let it out. Let it flooded, and i feel like, i was no good friend for letting them carried it alone. What is family? A concept of a family that shaped in our society is kinda warm, full of love, and a place you can always be safe. Thats the normative way to describe it, right? In the real life, family might be harmful, give you scars, the source of your traumas. is it happened to me too? yes. So many scars that shaped me into a person that questioned love most of the time. Changed me into a girl who afraid to give my trust to other people, who have ...

I dont know what happened to myself. I dont know if i was having too much time spent with people, so i feel so exhausted. Yesterday, i woke up in the morning, helped out my aunt to cook for breakfast, played with my niece. Sounds fun, right? yes, at first i feel like i was happy to be surrounded by family, but i woke up the next morning and feeling there was somethin wrong with me. My body was fine, i just feel so tired, but couldnt even resting up my body. I've been spending my time alone. Most of the time doing nothing on the week end. May be i was just shocked after long time didnt go home and attending family gathering, which i can not just being lazy enjoying my day off working on the weekend.  Last night when cousin asked me to brought food for our family whose stays in the hospital, the feeling got worse. I didnt know if it reminds me of my mom or anything else. I really dont know. I went back and cried while riding my bike. My tears just fell, slowly. i Dont know why. ...

Dunno why, i started 2023 with gloomy feeling. I cant be focused. I dont have the energy to do anything. I want to listen someone talk to me deeply, i want someone i can be clingy af, muttering anything. It is way much exhausted to start another convo with different men, again and again. Like, last time i feel like, i finally have, at least, someone i thought i like to talk with, but turns i was just curious why do that man ghosted me. Everytime my friend introduced me to other single men, i refused asap. Because i'm so tired of that trial-error. But, i want to find someone i can talk with in hard times. Someone i can be free to express my feeling when i'm tired, when i want affection, when i'm mad or sad. But, i'm tired.

Last night i spent new year with friends. We talked about many things, from our high school memories to our insecurities. A friend asked me, "if it possible that my insecurities came from the way my parents raised me when i was a child?" I explained anything i know, and from what i've been watching around, fellow thinker mostly have that issues, their feeling that never develop well, so it is hard to express feeling, or understanding others feeling. One day, a friend talked to me. What is most important to see from a man is his relation with his mom. Does he treat his mom well? So, does the girl. How's their relation with her father? Does she treat her father well? Because one day, they'll treat their partner the same way. May be it is right. May be.